What Is Graysexual? Understanding the Spectrum of Attraction

Pink said it best: God is a DJ, life is a dancefloor, love is the rhythm, and you are the music. So, what does that make sexual attraction?

In our opinion, it’s a sliding scale with countless notes playing in harmony. On one end, you’ve got voracious power bottoms. On the other end, asexuals. Everyone else is somewhere in between.

Close to the asexual end of the spectrum, you’ll find graysexual people. If you’ve ever been curious about graysexuality, wonder no more. We’ve got all your answers right here in black and white.

What is graysexual?

Regardless of what it sounds like, graysexuals are not people who are only sexually attracted to characters in Grey’s Anatomy (although we wouldn’t shame anyone who was). No, graysexuality — sometimes called gray ace or gray-A — is a sexual orientation where people experience extremely limited sexual attraction. It’s an in-between identity that acknowledges sexual attraction isn’t only hot and cold or yes and no (although it’s often in and then out).

How does graysexuality differ from asexuality?

Allosexuality is the presence of sexual attraction, and asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction. People who identify as asexual don’t experience any form of sexual attraction, but they may experience romantic attraction and enjoy close, loving relationships with other people.

Conversely, graysexuals may experience fleeting or limited sexual attraction — more than zero but less than that of the average allosexual person. This doesn’t mean they experience “low” sexual attraction per se; they may experience it fully during certain periods and not at all during others.

Remember that sexual attraction and libido are not at all the same thing. Sex drive (libido) and sexual attraction are not analogs for one another. A person’s limited sexual attraction to others says nothing about their desire for sex in general.

How does graysexuality differ from demisexuality?

Sexual attraction is divided into two types: primary and secondary. Primary sexual attraction is attraction based on immediately noticeable traits, such as how someone looks or smells. Secondary attraction develops over time based on acquired information and emotional investment in a person.

Demisexuals don’t experience primary attraction toward a person until they have developed secondary attraction (if they ever do). This means they only experience sexual attraction to people after they have forged a close emotional or intellectual relationship. 

Some graysexuals may also be demisexual, meaning their infrequent sexual attraction is always directed toward someone with whom they’ve developed a close emotional relationship. But that is the exception, not the rule. Graysexuals may experience sexual attraction to total strangers — just at a more infrequent rate than an allosexual.

The graysexual flag

The graysexual flag is a flag made up of five horizontal stripes. From top to bottom, they’re purple, gray, white, gray, and purple.

Each color has a meaning. The purple stripes represent asexuality. The central white stripe represents allosexuality. The gray represents the fluid spectrum of attraction that lies between these two states. 

Common misconceptions about graysexual people

Just as some people are born graysexual, other people are born haters. No matter how many happy, healthy graysexuals there are, these haters won’t be able to accept that others experience attraction differently.

As a service to the haters, we’ve debunked a few common misconceptions about graysexuality:

• Graysexuals have a terrible sex life. Wrong! Graysexuals are fully capable of leading incredible, fulfilling sex lives. Someone who doesn’t experience a lot of sexual attraction can still enjoy the act of sex itself (or enjoy not doing it). They also aren’t faking it when they do have sex. Communicating one’s needs, wants, and desires is the most important part of a good sexual relationship.
• It’s just a phase. Graysexuality is not a phase. Nor is it the result of a bad breakup or other traumatic life event. Although a graysexual’s sexual attraction may be inconsistent, their sexuality is not. 
• They just haven’t met the right person. Homophobes love to say women are only lesbians because they haven’t met the right guy yet. Using this line on graysexuals is equally stupid (and gross).

Graysexual relationships

Graysexual people can have profound and fulfilling relationships, just like allosexual and asexual people. Some graysexual people may be less interested in sex than their partner, but this doesn’t prevent them from sharing romance or a mutually enjoyable sex life.

Plenty of allosexual couples experience mismatched sexual desires, too. With open, clear, vulnerable communication, they’re able to find a sexual rhythm that works best for them. The same is true for graysexuals. Although they aren’t always interested in sex, they can find enjoyment in it based on a desire to satisfy their partner.

Graysexual people may also experience deep emotional attraction, with an interest in intensely romantic relationships that aren’t necessarily sexual. These relationships may be minimally sexual but very romantic. For some people, this arrangement fosters an intimacy that runs deeper than any dick could penetrate.