Sexual Chemistry: What It Is & Why It Matters

Butterflies in your stomach. Hours that feel like minutes. Hot, hot heat in your loins and blood rushing straight to your dick. The flood of sensations that come when you have a strong sexual connection with someone can be exhilarating, if not downright overwhelming. Sharing such intense sexual chemistry is something you both feel from your head down to your toes — so much it often means moving from the bed down to the flo'. 

Some people immediately click with one another, and it’s only a matter of minutes (or less) before the clothes come off. But for others, igniting the spark isn’t so simple — it requires cultivating that sexual chemistry before fireworks hit the sky. 

Back it up: What’s sexual chemistry? 

In short, sexual chemistry is the sensation of feeling an immediate physical response to another person. And you usually know when it’s happening. Shortness of breath, sweaty palms, and an unexplainable magnetic attraction toward someone are all common signs of sexual chemistry. 

Feeling chemistry with someone is often common when you’re new to each other, whether at the beginning of a formal relationship or during a casual hookup. Either way, sometimes so much that it can feel like too much. That's because your brain releases dopamine and norepinephrine in large quantities, intensifying lust and attraction and making you feel energetic and euphoric, possibly making it difficult to even eat or sleep.

For people who pick up on shared sexual chemistry early on, it’s often a sign of physical compatibility. But it's just one piece of the pie. Other factors help establish a connection with someone you’ve just met, like discovering you enjoy each other’s dad jokes, have similar tastes in music or movies, or love or loathe Hawaiian pizza. 

That said, strong sexual chemistry doesn’t always translate to getting rock-hard seconds after crossing paths with some pretty papi. Sexual attraction can also develop over time as your emotional or intellectual connection with another person deepens. You don't have to be sapiosexual (someone attracted to intellect) or demisexual (someone who needs an emotional bond to feel sexual attraction) to build sexual chemistry. As you get to know someone better, you might begin to feel a more profound physical connection and sexual urges. 

Basically, if you both share an all-but-uncontrollable urge to seal the deal right away, we say werk. But if not and you still feel the urge to get to know the person for whatever reason, there's a chance the sparks will fly down the road. 

What exactly sets my loins ablaze? 

Attraction exists on a wide, subjective spectrum, but what causes your heart to flutter when you see a certain someone walk into the room? Here are a few possibilities: 

1. It's biology, baby: Feel like you could cut the sexual tension with a knife even though you’ve only made eye contact? It might be those cerebral chemicals we mentioned earlier that you're slicing through. Pheromones and hormones are vibing with one another. If you’re both down, it might be time to fuck. You know, for science and stuff.
2. He's hegemonic: We all learn different versions of what society does and doesn’t consider beautiful or desirable when we’re young — whether we like it or not. Yes, we gain the power to change all that as we grow, but if he fits the bill of what you learned was attractive way back when (even if subconsciously), you might want to buckle up and brace for impact.
3. It feels good: Someone might remind you of another person or experience that feels comfortable or pleasurable. Whether it's a physical quality, their body language, or how they command a conversation, something familiar about them makes you feel many things that might possibly include major sexual desire. 

It feels good, but is it good for you? 

That carnal desire that comes from sharing sexual chemistry with someone feels amazing, so it must be good for you, right? Right. Here are a few ways your body and mind can benefit from a lust-filled libido. 

1. All that sex

Hopefully, all the flirting and sexual tension leads to him fucking your brains out and/or vice versa. Aside from the obvious perks, sex also aids your immune system, strengthens your heart, and makes for an excellent cardio workout. Likewise, the release of feel-good hormones during sex and when you orgasm helps relieve stress, improve your mood, and sleep like a log. 

2. Clues you in on compatibility 

Sometimes, you just know. Whether you're looking for a casual fling, friend with benefits, or long-term platonic relationship, feeling immediate chemistry is one signal that the two (or three, four, five, etc.) of you might have good physical compatibility — and, hopefully, incredible, wild sex. 

3. Boost of confidence

Feeling that electric spark of sexual chemistry can work wonders for your self-esteem. Knowing that someone is attracted to you and feels the same sexy buzz can make you feel desired and attractive, which might ease sexual anxiety and help you lose yourself in the moment. 

4. Encourages emotional intimacy

Sexual chemistry doesn't just mean you might lay pipe. It can also set the foundation for deeper emotional connections. For some, when you feel a mutual physical attraction, you feel safer being vulnerable and honest. A more profound understanding of each other will enhance the overall quality of the relationship.

5. Sex will probably be better

For people who feel a strong mutual attraction, all the flirty banter and explosive eye contact can help build incredible sexual tension. When you eventually get around to getting naked with each other, you’ll hopefully feel more deeply engaged, which can make kissing, physical touch, and the actual sex feel all the more electric. 

The downside of being really sexually attracted to someone

Everything that glitters isn’t gold, even when you're really into someone physically. Here are a few potential disadvantages to watch out for: 

All eyes on arousal

Dating someone new can be a lot of fun, but becoming so obsessed with a new beau that you can't sleep, eat, or keep him out of your mind can negatively impact daily life. There's nothing wrong with riding the wave of a new crush. Just be mindful of maintaining a healthy balance. Consider journaling, meditating, or talking to a therapist to make sure you're attending to all aspects of your life. 

Cloudy judgment

Fierce sexual chemistry can give you rose-tinted glasses, making it easy to overlook red flags or relationship incompatibility. You might rush decisions or develop attachments to someone before truly knowing them beyond physical intimacy. If you start to feel like you're falling in love, take a step back and seriously think about whether he can stimulate more than what’s in your pants.

Feeling out possible fake-outs

Is he high on all that sexual chemistry you think you’re both feeling, or is he just a big flirt? Here are five green flags to keep your little twitterpated eyes on the lookout for: 

1. Prolonged visual contact: Locking eyes with someone you share chemistry with just feels different — irresistible, even, so much that neither of you can look away. His eyes might widen or even seem like they have a sparkle. Likewise, his facial expressions may soften or be more responsive to the conversation. 
2. He feels like a magnet: He angles his body toward yours or leans in close when the two of you talk, and he might also nonchalantly touch you. Subtle, intimate gestures might be him hinting at wanting to get even closer. 
3. Good conversation: His compliments go beyond the superficial. He teases you in a playful manner that vibes with your sense of humor. The conversation is easy and flows naturally. These are all clear signs that you’re both interested in exploring a deeper connection. 
4. You ask, he tells: The only sure way to know if the feeling is mutual is to just ask him. Physical signs can be strong indicators, but when it comes to knowing what’s going on in his head and heart (and pants), nothing compares to clear, direct communication. Honesty is incredibly sexy, and the potential payoff is worth the nerves you might endure.

3 ways to light his fire (and yours too)

No matter the parameters, all relationships have ups and downs. If things start to cool down, here’s how to fan the flame: 

1. Improve communication: You might think you know him inside and out, but you're not a mind reader. Everyone’s needs and wants change over time; effective communication is the key to building and maintaining healthy relationships. Normalize talking about your desires and fantasies openly and regularly. You might even try filling out a BDSM checklist together to spice things up.
2. Be emotionally vulnerable: Doing so can deepen the connection you share, and that often strengthens your sexual chemistry. Sharing your feelings, fears, and desires with each other helps construct a more profound sense of emotional intimacy, which will hopefully come with a side of raging hard-ons.‍
3. Get physical beyond the bedroom: Don’t underestimate the power of spontaneous touch. Whether you’re in private or out in public, simple gestures like grabbing his hand, giving him a quick shoulder rub, or whispering something sweet (or downright raunchy) in his ear out of the blue helps strengthen your physical intimacy, hopefully helping him to feel attractive, desired, and sexually confident. And with any luck, it’ll have him pinning you down (or vice versa) in no time.