Sapiosexual: An Attraction to Intelligence

Does quick wit and intelligence get your mind wet? For many, intellect is an inherently sexy trait. But what if you can’t even get hard unless a knowledgeable and well-rounded heartthrob waxes poetic with his impressive vocabulary?

Most people would say they like to date intelligent people, but sapiosexuals deem intelligence a prerequisite before they get sexually involved. So, where do you land on the sapio-spectrum? Let’s figure out why a Mister Smarty-Pants makes you wish he wasn’t wearing any.

What is sapiosexual?

Sapiosexual describes anyone whose primary source of sexual attraction is intelligence. These people believe that sexual chemistry starts with the understanding of actual chemistry. The spark of sexual attraction comes from their partner’s mind, and everything else is secondary.

Sapiosexuality transcends traditional notions of homosexuality or heterosexuality. It can coexist with other sexual orientations or gender identities. Some sapiosexuals don’t even care about their partner’s gender so long as they’re smart, making them akin to pansexual people.  

That begs the question: does sapiosexuality’s meaning qualify it as a distinct sexual orientation, or do these people merely prefer a professor in their plum? It depends on who you ask. But that’s the beauty of the sexual spectrum; you can take whatever works for you and leave behind anything that doesn’t.

Sapiosexual and demisexual

Some might confuse sapiosexual and demisexual because of the slight overlap in how they connect with others. But sapiosexuals get weak knees from soliloquies, whereas demisexuals get wet between the thighs due to sentimental ties.

In plain English, demisexuals consider an emotional bond a prerequisite to getting in their pants. You could technically be both sapiosexual and demisexual if you’re only turned on by book nerds after you’ve developed a close attachment. However, most demisexuals would say their sexual attraction comes chiefly from that emotional bond, meaning that getting an A on the SAT would get you much less mileage on a date. (That’s also not how SAT grading works, so don’t say that to a sapiosexual if you want your date to go well.)

Sapiosexual and sapiophile

OK, so what if you’re not exactly gooning over gray matter, but you still fall in love with powerful minds? You might be a sapiophile. Sapiophiles differ from sapiosexuals in that they find intelligence to be romantically attractive.

This term is less popular because it describes nearly everyone. The factory default dating profile requests a man who can hold a conversation (although that low bar is tragically heavy for some guys to lift).

A sapiosexual, however, will straight-up say, “Hello, my name is Charles Xavier, and I am a sapiosexual.” He’ll talk about how intelligence factors into who he has sex with. Even a perfect Glen Powell look-alike won’t get him going if the guy thinks humans and dinosaurs lived at the same time.

Am I sapiosexual?

So, you like it when your boyfriend calculates the tip for the bartender without using his phone. Does that mean you should come out as a sapiosexual? How are you supposed to know? Start by asking yourself if you relate to these common sapiosexual qualities:

You prefer deep conversations

Do you want him to go deep? Well, not before he’s gone even deeper into politics, religion, or the politics of religion. Sapiosexuals prefer stimulating, complex conversations with their partner as a kind of foreplay. If you get the downstairs tingle when someone can passionately articulate a point, you’re probably more attracted to intelligence than you realize.

You believe intelligence is sexier than physique

Shania Twain said it best: “OK, so you’re Brad Pitt. That don’t impress me much.” (We don’t know whether Twain would call herself a sapiosexual, but her cousin Mark is a top contender.)

Your partner could have six-pack abs or lug around a kegger; it doesn’t matter to you because you’re too busy getting all hot and bothered watching him recite Camus from memory.

You need intellectual stimulation

Everyone has that part of their partner’s body that drives them wild. For some, it’s the neck; others prefer the old-fashioned pole or hole. But you? Well, you’re gonna need him to debate Freud with you before he gets anywhere near your phallus. 

A sapiosexual sees intellectual conversation as integral to their sexual relationships, so it only makes sense they’d want a partner who can solve integrals.

How does sapiosexuality affect relationships?

If you’re feeling an awakening after our description of sapiosexuality, you might be wondering how this identity might affect your relationships. Although sapiosexuality might not be an enormous shake-up for your romantic endeavors, it could mold your identity and desires into something more concrete, changing how you feel about your relationships.

Here’s how sapiosexuality might alter your love life:

Bond through intellectual activities

Sapiosexuals like to participate in intellectual activities with their partners. They might play a game of chess in the park or go to a museum and actually read the placards instead of going “wow” at an old rug and moving on. Whatever you do with your lover, it needs to make for compelling conversation. Low-brow activities will be much less enticing.

Communicate differently

There’s no easy way to say this, so a blunt approach might be best: If you’re in a relationship with someone you don’t find intelligent, you’ll probably struggle with communication. That doesn’t mean you need a member of MENSA just to have an orgasm. Still, you should probably find someone who cares as much about mentally engaging activity as you do.

Partner pressure

If you reveal to your current partner that you’re sapiosexual, he might feel pressured to meet your standards. We aren’t saying you should hide it from him, but you should be honest and have a direct, empathetic conversation about your values while reassuring your partner he’s smart enough.

Where to meet other sapiosexual people?

Where have all the smart boys gone? Well, many of them are probably busy with their noses in books. Still, others roam the world as we speak, just waiting for your sapio-sexy self to come and get them wet with wisdom.

Online

We’ve already mentioned that people will often classify themselves as sapiosexual in dating profiles. That makes online dating the ideal way to meet a true sapiosexual since they can indicate up front that they also find brains majorly sexy. 

Be warned: In a world where people are FaceTuning and fudging their bank account balances, you might come across people who aren’t entirely truthful about their intelligence. Unfortunately, there’s no way to know except to ask them on a bar trivia date.

The library

Cliche? Of course. But most people who like books will have engaging thoughts to share. There’s nothing wrong with browsing the aisles for something thought-provoking and leather-bound — if you catch our drift. Try hanging out in areas that interest you to maximize your odds of finding a brain that you can give some head to.

Through friends

If you’re a sapiosexual, you probably have intelligent friends. Ask around to see if they know anyone who likes minds as much as you do. You might want to ask a more impartial friend, lest you end up on a date with a guy who’s intelligent “in his own way.”