Sir, Yes, Sir! The Grindr Guide to Submissive Sex

First things first: All porn-fueled stereotypes aside, submissive BDSM play isn’t tied to a single definition. In fact, there are more ways to have sub sex than you can shake a leather paddle at, ranging from risque to downright raunchy. 

Being blindfolded, gagged and shackled to the bed or wall? Yep. 

Locked up in a dog cage for hours (or more) until a certain Sir says you’ve served your time? You bet. 

Gearing up in a collar, leash, puppy mask and being paraded around the streets of San Francisco for Folsom Street Fest or Berlin for Folsom Europe? Woof.

Or it can be (and often is) something entirely different. The bottom line of what makes it submissive sex is constant consent and respect for everyone’s comfortability, no matter how serious playtime gets.

If you’re curious about submissive sex, be it in the bedroom, the local dungeon, or beyond, here’s what you need to know to make your Sir so, so proud.

What is submissive sex? 

In BDSM culture, submissive sex refers to a consensual power exchange where one partner, the submissive (or sub), relinquishes complete control to their dominant partner (or Dom). This is often termed a Dom/sub relationship dynamic. 

In short, people who are into sex and submission find excitement in the exchange of control and surrender. For subs, it’s all about the thrill of letting go as their Doms place them in submissive sex positions, which could include physical restraint, sensory play, or discipline. For Doms, it’s the rush of being in total control at all times. The endgame is for everyone to experience a deep, arousing physical and emotional connection and an omnipresent sense of trust. 

How to be submissive with your partner

If any or all of the above sounds like something you might be into but are unsure about where to begin, filling out a BDSM checklist will help you define what you are and aren’t interested in exploring. Plus, imagining all the things you want your Dom to do to you is exciting mental foreplay. 

Here are four ways to practice dominance and submission in (or out of) the bedroom: 

1. Punishment and permission

This is an easy way to get into the Dom/sub mindset. During a permission and punishment scene, the submissive partner is required to ask permission for certain activities, like stripping, touching themselves, or cumming. Whenever the sub breaks one of the Dom’s rules (which, unsurprisingly, sometimes occurs intentionally), it results in some sort of punishment, which might include doing chores, being spanked, or being denied pleasure. Dom’s choice.

2. Impact play 

BDSM sessions (aka scenes) revolve around the Dom overloading or depriving the sub’s senses. Whether it’s a hard smack to the sub’s ass or teasing the inner thighs with a riding crop, impact play is a common practice that involves receiving sexual pleasure from being hit (sub) or hitting (Dom) a partner (again, always with complete consent).

As titillating as impact play may be, it’s just the throbbing tip of sadomasochism. Newbies should explore in small steps to ensure safety and gradually work their way up to pushing the limits. You can use your hands or experiment with sex gear, like floggers, whips, and ticklers, or you can play around with different intensities and speeds. Sensitive body parts (like your cock and balls, stomach, and back) will elicit stronger reactions, which for many is also part of the fun. Nevertheless, establishing a safe word before beginning any scene is a must. 

3. Dirty talk

So, you think you’ve got a way with words? Prove it, you piggy cumslut, you. 

Language is a powerful tool that’s essential to cementing the Dom/sub relationship. The right vocab deepens the psychological connection and amplifies the intensity of the experience. As a sub, you might call your Dom "Sir," "Master," or "Daddy," and he might refer to you as a "pup," "good boy,” “fuck toy,” or maybe just “a hole,” to name just a few possibilities. 

Leading up to a pending scene, you can pregame by working in a little BDSM sexting beforehand. Try texting your man something like, “I’ve been a good boy. I hope I get some abuse soon,” or, “Can Daddy please take his puppy for a stroll sometime soon?”

4. Bondage

Being restrained by a Dom restricts a sub’s sense of freedom and, consequently, heightens the level of trust. Common equipment includes leather straps, bondage tape, and handcuffs, but other sensory deprivation toys include blindfolds, ball gags, and ear muffs. Although many consider bondage to be basic BDSM play, it requires meticulous safety precautions. Learning how to properly tie a restraint to avoid injuries is a must. The same goes for setting up safe words to tap out if the scene becomes too intense. 

Submissive sex roleplay ideas

The Dom/sub sexual dynamic is a natural form of roleplay. The Dom takes on a controlling or authoritative role while the sub yields obediently. For some, it might be easier to get in the Dom or sub headspace by acting out a role. 

This part’s all about letting your freak flag fly, so get creative. To help you get started, here are a few roleplaying ideas to secure your bedroom EGOT: 

• Master and slave
• Owner and pet
• Prison guard and inmate
• Cop and perpetrator
• Coach and jock
• Drill sergeant and soldier
• Homeowner and pool boy/gardener/plumber
• Doctor and patient
• Airline pilot and passenger
• Construction worker and “innocent” onlooker

Throwing costumes or scripted scenes into the mix can help you slip into your Dom/sub roles and add lightness and humor to new experiences that may feel extreme. That said, it doesn’t have to involve dressing up if you and your partner don’t want to. It can be as simple as exaggerating dominant and submissive versions of yourselves. 

Sex and submission: What types of subs exist?

There's no one-size-fits-all role for submissives, and it may change from scene to scene. Some subs yield completely to their Sir, while others might take on a bratty, defiant attitude. Find the archetype that makes you feel like your sluttiest self: 

1. The submissive brat

Submissive brats love to push Daddy’s buttons. That’s how they receive the punishment they deserve. Talking back, disobeying direct orders, or resisting restraints are a few ways to make Daddy give you that big dick slap you’re craving. 

2. The service sub

It’s not just serving sexual chores, like getting down on your knees and blowing your partner when he tells you to. Service subs also perform practical tasks, like washing the dishes, running errands, or feeding their Dom dinner. Chores can be teasing, mental foreplay that ends with the Dom rewarding you with his massive dad dick. However, some get pleasure from the task itself.

3. The submissive prince

A submissive prince wants to be worshiped. Only when the Dom has proved his absolute devotion will the sub surrender. It’s not because he doesn’t respect his partner’s authority. It’s because he knows his worth. 

Asking to be pampered, whining when given directions, or expecting to be cuddled are a few ways to enforce your royal status. This is an excellent dynamic for soft Doms and pleasure Doms who get off on making their sub feel good, emotionally and physically. 

4. The masochist

Masochists get off from intense sensations. While pain can be a part of sadism and masochism, it isn’t a requisite. Verbal humiliation and degradation, sensation play (like warm oils or vibrating toys), and even forced exercise are forms of pleasurable discomfort. 

Masochists don't necessarily have to hand over total psychological or physical control. Misbehaving encourages physical punishment, and demanding more or less can bring the intensity to the perfect level. 

5. The SAM

SAMs, or smart-assed masochists, combine submissive bratty behavior with masochism. Acting out the SAM archetype is a fun way to bring a sense of humor or balance control, using sarcastic back talk, rolling eyes, or dramatically ignoring a partner's demands to get the punishment the SAM needs — and deserves. 

Safe submission

Again, we can’t stress this enough: The foundation of dominance and submission is careful planning, boundary setting, and safety precautions. This is the only way to protect everybody's emotional and physical safety amidst a power exchange designed to push boundaries. 

A successful submissive relationship starts with clear communication and boundary setting. Both the dominant and submissive partners discuss kinks, define expectations, and determine which activities they will and won't perform. Set limitations, rules, and safe words — and respect them. The middle of a sexual encounter is never the time to introduce a new fantasy. You're both in a vulnerable headspace and may be coerced into an activity you wouldn’t otherwise be comfortable with. 

The experience doesn't end once each partner gets off. Aftercare (like cuddling, a warm bath, or verbal affirmations) helps you come back to earth after an otherworldly experience.