Whorescopes: Taurus Szn 2021

After a year and a half spent in solitary confinement, the bull is busting us out of our pens (re: homes) and into the wide world again—welcome to Taurus szn. As you begin making your way back to the dance floor, coffee shop, and hookup’s house, remember the most important question this month: Are you a Pfizer or a Moderna?

Birthday bonding

Love: Existing bonds you’ve been building are going to be tested this month, but don’t see those obstacles as a sign to abandon. Whip out the leather straps and take bonding to a new level.

Lust: The full moon will be in Scorpio so everything will be revealed and easier to see, make sure the fleet water is as clear as your intentions.

Friendships: Vaccinations are on the rise and so is your tolerance. It’s time to dust off the horns, Bull, and enjoy a salty rimming. Margaritas and attention are your energy source this month. Just avoid salty friends.

Work: Mars is exiting Gemini and moving into Cancer, baby! I know you’re into servicing your community, but some (work)loads can be refused.

Gemini spices it up

Love: Venus, the planet of romance, is entering your sign on May 8th. It’s time for you to tell yourself what you want, what you really really want. The Spice World is returning to normal, babe, and for several nights 2 will become 1.

Lust: Get adventurous this month and try out a cruising spot...I’m not talking about Royal Caribbean.  

Friendships: Your szn is coming up and you need time to get back into a social groove. Keep a schedule as open as your Grindr after you’ve drunkenly fallen asleep on the couch.

Work: Pluto is about to hit its yearly retrograde and that is gonna make things a bit tough at work. You want a raise? Ask for it!! “Closed mouths don’t get fed, just like closed holes don't get bred” - Susan B. Anthony

Cancer leaves her shell

Love: Not that you could before, but you’re not gonna be able to stop yourself from romantic feelings for someone unexpected this szn. Treat it like bottoming: breathe, focus and take it slow…for the first few minutes.

Lust: This szn is all about reaching out. Send that DM. Text about that song he likes that you hate. Add him to your Close Friends and post content exclusively for him. You’ll never get what you want unless you try.

Friendships: The sun is out and with it you’re also ready to come out of your shell, crab queen. Your blood type this month is vodka and cranberry (thank you doll!). Behave accordingly.

Work: Mars moves into your sign this season, which will motivate you to focus on projects you’ve been putting off. Harness that energy, in leather if you’re bold.

Leo goes for gold

Love: Life’s a drag, but no one can clock yours, darling dear. Pluto enters Capricorn this month which will untuck some emotional baggage. Your heart is in the Interior Delusions Lounge this szn, think twice before you send that risky text.

Lust: Sex is like an Olympic athlete and you’re the Oscar winning screenwriter of Milk. Find someone with good form and let him take a deep dive. It’ll be 10s across the board.

Friendships: Mars moves into Cancer this szn, so expect some things to start bubbling up from the past. Pop a bottle of Lady Gaga champagne and talk it out with your crew.

Work: Saturn’s placement this month will make things feel truly overwhelming.  Don’t worry, you can take plenty, just set your zoom to audio and rest them eyes bb girl.

Virgo loves to get 2 on

Love:  Mercury and Venus collabed on the 25th. Nothing can be stopped when two icons link up. There’s a lot coming for you, just be thankful it’s not Tamisha Iman.

Lust: Your life is always so ordered and dare I say...tight? It’s time to “Open Up.” Watch Eurovision with a lover and let the sweet timbre of Montaigne get you ready for a night of passion.

Friendships: You’re a big asset to all of your friendships and they want you around this szn. You’re down to go along for the ride, but make sure you accept those “split fare” requests. Shady.

Work: Mercury retrogrades at the end of this month, make sure those projects you’ve been skirting around get done. That corporate ladder won’t climb itself, working girl.

Libra is in full bloom

Love: Venus recently moved into Taurus, so you may be experiencing a rush of E Mo Tion for someone, that you didn’t realize you had. Alexa play “Run Away With Me.”

Lust: Flowers are blossoming and there’s no reason your sex life shouldn’t be either. You heard what Daddy Troye said, Bloom.  It’s spring, get your flowers pollinated.

Friendships: Things are busy for you right now with Mars rushing into Cancer, but that doesn’t mean you can’t squeeze in some fun. Grab some friends and wear a speedo in the park. Literally there are no rules anymore.

Work: Something that has been up in the air (other than your legs) will finally get resolution next week. Make sure to thank your co-worker who covers for you when you're hungover.

Scorpio shoots her shot

Love: When Mercury and Venus slide into Gemini it’s time for you to slide out of that relationship you’re stuck in and hit the streets. I hear the Rambles in Central Park get a lot of action.

Lust: You don’t need sex advice, what you need is a target. Take aim and shoot your shot. You always hit your Mark…. or Brad….or Kyle….

Friendships: Sun is in Taurus which will bring some new folks into your life. Forge those relationships, it’s always good to have a plus one for the afters.

Work: You’ve been working really hard, reward yourself with some of the spoils of that labor, and if you got a hookup on a Telfar bag, plz send my way.

Sagittarius is really trying it

Love: When Jupiter enters Pisces on the 13th you are finally ready to let go of past heartache and fall in love again. This time run a credit check.

Lust: Get vaxxed. Get waxed. Get ready to climax.

Friendships: It’s time to repair those cracks in your friendships before they get as loose as your lips after one too many margaritas.  

Work: You don’t have to work so much when you’re the boss. I mean, I know you’re not actually a boss but this is intended to motivate you.

The goat is horny

Love: The Taurus new moon arrived May 11th and things are starting anew, girl. End that situationship you’re in, it’s not worth the labor! Like Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates, you’re about to bust up some unions.

Lust: You need to hop into bed with one or two of your favorites. You don’t have to pick just one. Ranked choice hooking up is the future.

Friendships: You’re on a mission to wreak havoc in your social circles this szn. Try and stay calm and don’t wage war on a local yogurt shop or anything. Remember they’re talking about you on the other group thread.

Work: Babyyyy, you’ve always known what you want and it’s time to go get it. Sun is in Taurus and you can grab the bull by the horns and ride it to your next interview.  

Aqua just rides

Love: Your love life is about to catch fire like a Dua Lipa single on a gay bar dance floor. Remember, “Levitating” gays are superior.

Lust: Well, if there is one thing you’re ready for, it’s sex. And after being celibate for a hot minute, it’s time to dust off the jockstrap and get back to it. Sex is like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it, but also you cum.

Friendships: New moon. New YOU! Well....not that new but after a year in quarantine, who cares. If you don’t have anything aspirational to tell about your time alone, just lie and say you learned how to play the guitar, they’ll never ask to hear it.

Work: There’s a lot of drama in the workplace this month and while you may be feeling gossipy, queen, lay low. Don’t be too loud or they’ll hang you and your striped Zara shirts out to dry.

Pisces is a fresh fish

Love: It feels like the only thing longer than the amount of time you’ve been single is season 13 of Drag Race. For this month’s maxi challenge, you’re gonna find a new man and leave your loneliness up for elimination.

Lust: You may be a friend of Dorothy but there will be few obstacles on your yellow brick road. Take three huffs of poppers and whisper “there’s no place like hole.”

Friendships: Jupiter is in Pisces blessing all of your friendships this month. Now would be the time to tell that one friend he needs to cut that quarantine mullet or else.

Work: Creativity is flowing after the super moon and your ideas are sure to change the tides. Sail into your destiny. It could be filled with seamen.  

Aries goes Scouting

Love: This year has been more of a whirlwind than an IG post of Britney Spears spinning. Take some time to get your bearings before you get into or onto someone new.

Lust: The energy around you is palpable right now, and the boys can feel the heat. Don’t be surprised if you see more dicks this week than a urinal at your local gayborhood Eagle.  

Friendships: This month is about pouring your energy into friendships and blossoming relationships. Remember “‘tis better to give than to receive” — some top

Work: That tough work conversation will be a lot less tough this month. Mercury in Taurus will help give you the bullish confidence to take a coworker out for drinks and tell her *exactly* who you are.