Whorescopes: Virgo Szn

Hi babes, did you miss me? I’ve been napping for most of the summer, but ring the alarm: It’s Virgo szn, and she deserves our full attention. This month’s theme is the queen herself, the number one astrological Virgo—it’s Queen Beyoncé szn, y’all.

Virgo Gets Savage

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be registering to vote this month.

Love: Nasty. Bougie. Ratchet. And that’s not just how I’d describe your anus. If you wanna fall in love this szn you need to get ready for it. Open your hole, and then? Open your soul.

Lust: Mars retrograde on the 9th brings a lot of fear, tension, and absolute horniness. This retrograde in particular has you sweating like you just saw a Charlie Puth thirst trap. My advice? Time to go fishing. You could start an OnlyFans, but IG is so much more convenient. Post a trap in your Close Friends and see what the catch of the day is...

Friendships: If you don’t celebrate yourself, how the hell you gonna...you get it. The time is ripe for you to share special moments with your closest friends. Throw a socially distant party or a zoom orgy!

Work: Work is meaningless without purpose. Find what you’re looking for darling Virgo, because once you’re resolute, nothing can stop you.

Libra Says Yes

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be registering to vote this month.

Love: There is nothing more romantic than Autumn: changing leaves, haunted hayrides, pumpkin spice cum. And, the Pisces full moon is bringing out all of your romantic potential this szn. Time to say YES to a date.  

Lust: It’s a time of harvest, and for you that means picking a few choice boys on the apps in preparation for cuffing szn. Make sure to try before you buy...

Friendships: It’s been a long year, and this retrograde has you feeling positively negative. My advice? Try sitting in your garden with the girls and just appreciating nature (while drinking heavily).

Work: Work is in a strange place right now—maybe it’s not busy enough for you, or maybe you aren’t enjoying the work. Wherever you’re at, be patient: things won’t be clear until after retrograde.

Scorpio Busts Out Her Kitty Kat

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be registering to vote this month.

Love: Love has all but disappeared from your pyramid of needs this year as bread, video games, and video chat have risen to the top, but don’t count a girl out! You still have a lot of love to give, even if it’s just fitting it in between episodes of Selling Sunset.  

Lust:  You were put on this earth for a reason, and you can’t let the world get you so depressed that you stop teaching the masses how to have sex. It’s not just about you, it’s about future generations knowing how to properly get dicked down.

Friendships: If you wore a mask more you’d see your friends more!

Work: While work has been slow for most, you’ve been like Bey in a high pony and kit kat couture. Keep slaying, queen.

Sweet Dreams

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be registering to vote this month.

Love: A Pisces full moon engorges your prostate, and your heart. Tell the ones you love that you love them and the ones you wanna have sex with to come over for a “socially distant” walk.

Lust: The reason you’re having such visceral wet dreams is because your needs aren’t being met on dry land. Set your sails for the open seas next dream and discover what it is you’re looking for.

Friendships: It feels like everyone is in the same mindfuck as you right now. Take a few days away from your friends to get some clean energy in your system, and then share the wealth.

Work: You’ve been awfully distant on your usual Slack channels at work—don’t make your boss send out a “last seen.”

The Capricorn Countdown

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be registering to vote this month.

Love: Of all the zodiac signs you especially know the delicate art of getting what you want, and this month you have your eyes on a prize. After Mercury enters Libra on the fifth go for him, I mean it.  

Lust: “Ladies, if you love your man, show him you the flyest, grind the pony girl, show him how you ride it” - Beyonce Knowles and me, your astrologer.

Friendships: You gotta focus on you right now, but keep your girls filled in by sending screenshots of your iMessages.

Work: You are the Queen B of the office. But remember that even Bey gets five minutes for a costume change.

Listen, Aqua Girl

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be registering to vote this month.

Love: There comes a time in our astrological chart when we must take stock of our wants and needs. As Bey says in Dreamgirls, “The time has come for my dreams to be heard, they will not be pushed aside and turned into your own all because you won’t listen.”

Lust: You are horny for understanding. The Mars retrograde pushes out your insecurities, making sex tricky, but some self-love and care might just do the trick: Bring your dildo into the bath and ride the surfbort by yourself.

Friendships: This is the perfect time to get helpful advice from your most emotionally intelligent friends. Listen to what they say, but trust your instincts.

Work: Focusing on work could help you to break through Mars’s shadow, but don’t start new projects after the 8th or you’ll be unlikely to finish them.

Pisces is Irreplaceable

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be registering to vote this month.

Love: This season is a manifestation of all you’ve put into the year. Though you will connect with many fish in the sea, you’ll be saving all of your loving for your number one: you!

Lust: The beginning of September has you feeling like a fishy queen, and you’ll be pulling tail even faster than Scorpio. Follow your intuition this season and you could meet a sexual partner that lasts many moons.

Friendships: As the mother of your house, it can be tiring to emotionally take care of your friends. Now is a time to pause—they can call their mom until you’re back.

Work: It’s time for a vacation. Just because you can’t travel right now doesn’t mean you can’t escape.

Aries Gets Jealous

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be registering to vote this month.

Love: When Mercury entered Leo on the 5th it created a lot of doubt in your love life. It’s time to examine what causes you to envy your lover.

Lust: An autumnal chill creeps into your sex life this season. If you don’t start getting honest about your jealousy issues, your rom-com is going to turn into a horror film.

Friendships : Talking to your besties will help you understand where your partner is coming from. Meditation, some yoga, or a xanax might also help.  

Work : Your love life insecurities won’t make their way to the boardroom, you’re an old pro. Now go show those executives how the ram gets things done.

Get Me Bodied

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be registering to vote this month.

Love: Everybody say “Hey Miss Taurus.” Taurus is back in her element and no one is safe from those hips.

Lust: Now that the summer heat is breaking you can finally do your favorite thing! Get your partner naked, slip on your tennis shoes, carry them to the back alley behind your apartment, and let your neighbors hear what a fine bull you are.

Friendships: A lot of friends have become fuck buddies this quarantine, and though you’re usually one to keep the two separate, it’d be a shame to pass up that one buddy with the bubble booty.

Work: Work that dick this month. Then work the phone bank for your candidate of choice.

Me, Myself, and I

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be registering to vote this month.

Love: You’ve found a hot piece to roll in the hay with this summer, but they’re catching feelings, and you're about to start getting scared. Time for a boundary check.

Lust: The sex is great with your partner right now, but while you’re having fun, they’re making love.

Friendships: You’re in your own world right now. Enjoy it, but make sure to econnect with the girls after retrograde.

Work: PSA: we can all tell when you're offline from Slack. Idk if you knew that, but...

Pretty Hurts

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be registering to vote this month.

Love: Ms. Cancer, your first question: What is your aspiration in life? Because if it’s to be happy, you have everything you need except the mindset. Quit poking at every flaw you have and accept yourself.

Lust: Jupiter turns direct on the 12th, causing your libido to get the absolutely gorgeous bump it needs. When a beautiful man reveals his desire for you at the end of the month, don’t get in your head about it.

Friendships: Let your friends help you see what they see: a fully competent super goddess. Listen to the Beys in your life, not the Michelle Williams.

Work: Quit wearing the same dad cap to every damn Zoom meeting girl.

Leo Came To Party

The cosmos is telling me that you’ll be registering to vote this month.

Love: Summer never ends for Miss Leo, and a new love connection is only adding to your summertime fun. Pass the Piña Colada and hand me a speedo, I want your Virgo szn.  

Lust: The sex is hot, but don’t forget that sex on the beach means sand in your punani Dasani. Be careful.

Friendships: Girl, you ain’t seeing friends this month. It’s a party for two.

Work: You’ll def get back to work...sometime this fall.