Beyond Binary: What Does “He/They” Mean?

We’re pro pronouns — and not just because they’re an unavoidable part of the English language.

The gender binary can feel oppressive, even for those of us who fit relatively neatly into the box laid out for us. Now imagine how all the square pegs out there feel about society’s round holes (not that kind of hole!).

Many people’s gender identity and gender expression don’t stay in one place for too long. For these individuals, just one pronoun couldn’t possibly be enough. That’s where pronouns like he/they or she/they come in handy!

But what are gender pronouns anyway? Are they really necessary? There’s more nuance to “nonbinary” and other gender terms that’s worth exploring. It’s time we discussed gender pronouns — explained for those comfortably nestled into the binary and anyone seeking what lies beyond.

What are gender pronouns?

Gender pronouns are the words we use to refer to someone based on their gender identity. They include the traditional “he” and “she,” as well as “they” for those who identify outside the binary. Although these three are the most common gendered pronouns, they are by no means the only ones. Many other pronouns exist for genderqueer and nonbinary people. These neopronouns may relate to their experience even better. Just because they’re less common doesn’t make them any less valid.

Rolling pronouns are multiple gendered pronouns that someone uses interchangeably. For instance, if someone identifies as both masculine (he) and nonbinary (they), they might roll between the two pronouns depending on their mood, context, or any number of other factors. That’s their pronoun prerogative — and yours, too, if you like.

What does “he/they” mean?

Someone who uses he/they pronouns will usually identify as nonbinary but also feel comfortable with a masculine identity. They may sometimes identify as a man or stick with a more ambiguous, gender-neutral label, like “demiboy” or “demiguy.” This is an example of a rolling pronoun; a person who identifies with he/they might be OK using either or prefer one over the other in certain situations.

What does she/they mean?

Pretty much the exact same thing as he/they, but for feminine nonbinary people. It’s someone who most likely identifies with female traits but doesn’t quite see themself as a woman. They may be a genderfluid person who prefers “she” in traditionally feminine settings while also acknowledging their gender identity is a little more complex.

The importance of pronouns

Pronouns are not just a grammatical necessity; they’re a vital part of our identities. Using someone’s correct pronouns affirms and validates them. Maybe you’ve been in a situation where someone has used the wrong pronouns for you, called you the wrong name, or assumed incorrectly about your sexuality. At best, you’re probably a little bit confused. At worst, you feel disrespected and rejected.

Society’s binary thinking (and a lot of online assholes) have drummed up a crusade against pronouns in recent years. This is, from a grammatical perspective, really dumb. Everyone — everyone — uses pronouns. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man, woman, nonbinary, trans, or cisgender. So, you might as well use the ones a person prefers. You’ll alienate others if you don’t use the correct ones for them — even cisgender individuals, regardless of their sexual orientation.

How to pop the question: “What are your pronouns?”

You don’t want to offend anyone, and that’s a great start! But you also don’t want to make a mistake when asking someone about their preferred pronouns. Don’t worry; you don’t have to walk on eggshells around nonbinary people. Asking someone for their pronouns is a lot easier than you might expect.

Go first

Leading by example is the easiest way to find out someone’s pronouns. Introduce yourself with your pronouns to set the tone and give the other person a chance to share with absolutely zero awkwardness.

Be direct but respectful

There’s nothing wrong with just coming right out and asking someone. Just remember to ask respectfully. Maybe even mention that you want to ensure you’re addressing the person in a way that makes them comfortable. And don’t ask only the visibly queer people in the room, lest it feel like a callout post.

Create a safe space

If you’re a leader in a group setting, you can make pronoun sharing part of introductions. It’s much easier to be an ally and normalize the practice out of the gate, kind of like a team-building exercise sans any trust falls or cringy icebreakers.

What should you do if you use the wrong pronouns?

OK, deep breaths. It happened. You called someone the wrong pronoun. It happens to the best of us, but you should handle it as gracefully as possible.

Apologize

A brief apology is all it takes to (hopefully) rectify the situation. Don’t dwell on it too long, or it will become all about how you messed up rather than the other person’s comfort.

Move on

Just keep going. Lingering on your mistakes will make everyone uncomfortable. It might be challenging at first, but just breathe and know that no one will be thinking about this even 10 minutes from now.

See it as a learning opportunity

This is a chance to grow! Make a mental note of the person’s correct pronouns, and do your best to use correctly gendered terms going forward. 

How to tell others your pronouns

What if you’re on the other side of the pronoun partition? It’s just as simple, even if it requires extra courage the first few times.

Say it with confidence

“Hi, my name is [blank], and my pronouns are he/they.” Own your pronouns; it’ll help others understand your gender identity and what makes you most comfortable.

Add pronouns to your email signature

If you want to let someone know your pronouns in a professional setting, you can always add them to your email signature. It’s not quite the neon sign some people need to get it right, but it’s a subtle act that most people will undoubtedly notice.

Include pronouns in your social media profiles

Perhaps the easiest way to let other people know your pronouns is to include them in your social media or dating profiles. This will inform your friends (and potential lovers) and set an example for everyone else to follow. Many apps actually encourage you to share your pronouns, so take advantage of it.