Things to Consider Before Having Sex With an Ex

JLo and Ben. Miley and Liam. Justin and Selena. Carrie and Big. Nobody knows what drives so many couples — in and out of the spotlight, fictional and real — down the path of “on again, off again.” But there’s one reason we’re willing to bet is among the mix of motives fueling the journey: fan-fucking-tastic sex.

Whether we’re willing to admit it or not, after all the breakup drama has settled, sex with an ex is often tempting, even if things ended on a not-so-pleasant note. But… why?

Read on as Grindr guides you through the already-charted waters of all-too-familiar ass. We’ll make sure you approach sex with an ex as safely, responsibly, and maturely as possible. 

Why you’re thinking about having sex with your ex 

Among the most common reasons for wanting to backtrack to a former bae is familiarity. For many, hooking up with an old flame can be just as healing as it is hot — when done with plenty of communication, TLC, and trust in those time-tested sex moves you both know and love. There’s nothing like revisiting territory you’ve already trekked, even if it comes with a few strings attached. 

Not that the hole in your heart is the only one you want to fill. Your reasons probably also include sex that makes your eyes cross and toes curl (and orgasms that make the neighbors soundproof the walls).

Despite what all the pearl-clutchers have to say, it’s not necessarily a bad thing if you still want your ex sexually. Only you can decide why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. Is it harmless fun or self-sabotage in a sexy disguise?

C is for comfort

Sex with a new casual hookup can be a lot of fun, but it’s a chore to onboard someone new with your preferences, kinks, and that one special spooning position that makes you cum like none other. Plus, regular sex with a new fuck buddy requires you to build emotional and physical intimacy. Sometimes, you just don’t have the time or energy for all that. 

On the other hand, when you’re horny, sex with an ex feels easy, safe, and comfortable. 

C is also for closure

You’ve said goodbye to the relationship, but you just aren’t ready to say goodbye to him. Hooking up with your ex might provide a sense of closure, helping you process lingering emotions, satisfy your need for physical intimacy, or transition into a friendship (with benefits?). Is a steamy “ex-it” interview a good idea to gain closure? That’s for you (and maybe your therapist) to decide.

Sloppy sex is your way to get him back

Sleeping together might be your way of rekindling the flame and starting over — whether you’re aware of it or not.

There’s no shortage of reasons to want to get back with your ex-boyfriend. Maybe he broke up with you, but you still want to be with him. Perhaps you’re overcome with nostalgia for the good times you shared. You could come up with a million Groundhog Day hypotheses about how you both can do things differently the second time around. But that’s not to say they’re good ideas. 

Ex-boyfriends with benefits: Sex with an ex isn’t always a bad idea

Fucking your ex-boyfriend isn’t automatically a recipe for a giant dumpster fire. If it feels really good, maybe it is. Here are some potential benefits of letting old habits fuck you hard:

Fucking is fun

Not all breakups end on bad terms. Sometimes, people rush into relationships because the sexual chemistry is off the charts. Then you get to know one another and realize some of his beige flags are actually massive relationship no-nos. A no-strings-attached relationship with someone who knows exactly where your P-spot is sounds like a lot of fun. 

Agreeing to strict physical intimacy doesn’t mean it can’t get messy, though. Maintain open communication where each partner feels comfortable sharing more than what’s dangling between his legs. Try writing things down to define boundaries and what each person needs to feel safe from catching feelings (e.g., agreeing to intercourse and intellectual conversations but not asking for emotional support). 

Feel better about how things ended

Breaking up with someone you love can bring out the worst in people, even if you split for the right reasons. After all, you’re losing someone you cared about and maybe envisioned a future with. Making love might be a way to push past hurt feelings and get over your ex on a more positive note. Beware: If one of you is still emotionally attached, this could cause more heartbreak than healing. It’s never a bad idea to discuss everyone’s expectations beforehand and debrief the experience after you’ve slept together. 

Safely explore sexual desires

If you parted ways amicably, this could be an opportunity to delve into new kinks and fetishes in a safe and comfortable setting. Exploring BDSM with someone you’ve already slept with might feel less daunting than trying it with someone new. Plus, sex with your ex already has built-in taboo, which can make even vanilla sex feel wild. 

Embrace your sexy self

You probably need a shot of self-confidence after a breakup, especially if things didn’t end on the best terms. A booty call with your ex-boyfriend can be a chance to remind yourself you are sexy and desired, helping you reclaim your sexuality. 

Tread lightly with this one. Seeking revenge or trying to prove a point puts the spotlight on him. Instead, focus on your own healing and self-empowerment. Invest in your own aftercare to keep everything in perspective; try seeking support from friends or a therapist.

Girl, don’t do it: The downsides of hooking up with an ex

Familiarity often breeds contempt, especially when your ex is a cheap, lying, no-good, dirty, rotten, low-down, four-flushing, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit. Here are a few other reasons not to fuck your ex:

The start of an unhealthy pattern

If you are still emotionally attached or struggling to get over every single misdeed, it’s probably a bad idea to go balls deep. And if he broke your heart, cheated on you, or damaged your self-worth, sleeping with him won’t fuck the pain away. On the contrary, it will create a roller coaster of harmful emotions that you revisit every time you hook up, especially if most sexual encounters lead to emotional abuse and conflict.

And all that bad juju isn’t going to stay in the bedroom. It might cause you to ruminate over your breakup and how much you hate him, casting a shadow over every other area of your life. 

Creates confusion

Are we, or aren’t we? That might be all you can think about as soon as you peel back the veneer of a fun hookup. It’s easy to mistake physical affection for romantic love and get yourself into a relationship that leads back to nowhere. If you’re still emotionally attached or he wants you back, sleeping with one another probably won’t make anyone feel better about letting go. 

Fuels low self-esteem and regret

Our relationships tend to reflect our sense of self-worth. Running back into your ex’s arms might indicate you don’t think you deserve someone better. Repeat after us: You deserve someone who makes you feel like a powerful, sexy baddie. 

Don’t trade orgasms for poor self-confidence and regret. Turn to your support network, have a sexy rebound, or find activities that make you feel amazing. 

Stuck between a cock and a hard place

Even if sex with your ex feels safe and fun, it could stop you from meeting someone new. After all, why willingly enter the dating hellscape when you have that hotline bling? Think carefully about your overall relationship goals and whether regular booty calls with your ex-boyfriend help or hinder.

Should I have sex with my ex?

Whether you should or shouldn’t fuck your ex-boyfriend is a highly personal question. And just because you successfully fucked a previous ex doesn’t mean it’s the right move with this one.

Think carefully about your intentions and what you will gain and sacrifice from hooking up with him. If sex brings closure and adventure, go ahead with your bad self. But if the cost is your self-worth and other relationships, run for the hills. Remember, you don’t have to go it alone. Reach out to your besties for comfort, support, and a healthy dose of truth.