Lines You Don’t Cross: Nonnegotiables in a Relationship

Don’t go there, girlfriend! Or boyfriend! Or husband, or whatever.

But seriously, don’t. Everyone has unique limits, needs, desires, values, and dreams. Good romantic relationships are often founded on matching yours with someone else’s. A little misalignment is the spice of life (you’re looking for a partner, not a clone, after all), but a fundamentally mismatched relationship could be destined to crash and burn.

What are the lines that you won’t let someone cross? And how can you live more honestly regarding your expectations for romance? You can’t answer these questions without first knowing your nonnegotiables in a relationship.

What are nonnegotiables in a relationship?

Nonnegotiables are values, beliefs, or needs crucial for someone to stay happy within their relationship. You might have heard them called “deal-breakers” before, too. It’s anything you won’t compromise on because it would keep you from being your best and most authentic self.

For example, let’s say you want to travel the world. But you’re dating someone who wants to settle down, buy a house, and spend all that juicy flight and hotel money on a few kids. 

That sounds wonderful — for them. But you aren’t willing to compromise your dream of experiencing unseen vistas. No one is right or wrong in this situation. Establishing nonnegotiables isn’t about judging someone else for the life they want to live; it’s about firmly establishing the one you want to live.

Why are relationship nonnegotiables important?

Nonnegotiables help you create clear boundaries. Without knowing your limits, how can you express them to others so they aren’t compromised? Knowing yourself also helps you separate compatible people from incompatible people before you ever have to have any hard conversations.

But having nonnegotiables isn’t enough; you need to communicate them with your partner. You shouldn’t have to compromise on fundamental issues or values. And if you establish yours early, you’re much more likely to avoid conflict or resentment. It also shows respect for yourself in your partner’s eyes and builds self-esteem.

You can only achieve intimacy through honesty. And it’s OK not to want the same things as another person. But lying to yourself and others about what you value or are capable of wastes everyone’s time at the expense of your happiness.

Create your list of dating nonnegotiables

If you’ve never considered your boundaries before, don’t worry; you’re in good company. The world is chock full of people who want love and think they need to change their core beliefs to get it. We’re happy to tell you that isn’t the case, but to find someone who respects your boundaries, you need to have a baseline understanding of what they are.

If it helps, make a real-life, written list of what’s important to you in a relationship. Maybe it’s quality time. Maybe it’s sex and intimacy. Or perhaps it’s financial success and fame. The only wrong answers are dishonest ones. 

Examples of nonnegotiables in a relationship

Need some inspiration to get your list going? This list of relationship nonnegotiables is by no means exhaustive, but it provides a great starting point for brainstorming about what you value most.

1. Mutual respect

Aretha was right: Respect means everything in a relationship, particularly a romantic one. Hold the people in your life accountable if you feel disrespected. And remember the word mutual; It should go both ways.

2. Trust and honesty

Building trust in big and small ways helps you feel safer with your partner. Many people come to romantic relationships with trust issues and a “once bitten, twice shy” mentality. These individuals often value trust and honesty even more, and their partners must be transparent.

3. Communication

If there could only be one item on this list (which wouldn’t be much of a list), it would be about how vital communication is in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s finances, sex, commitment, or values; talking about your goals and desires is a must for a relationship to thrive.

4. Mutual support

A man should be like a good pocket bra, offering support and enhancing your natural assets. You and your partner should build each other up and encourage success in your individual endeavors. Also, like a pocket bra, he shouldn’t have to ask “What’s in it for me?” — and he should make all the girls at drag brunch jealous.

5. Intimacy and passion

Intimacy and passion don’t just mean having tons of sex (but they don’t not mean that…). In fact, some asexual icons have perfectly healthy relationships with little o no sex at all. Emotional intimacy and expressions of romantic desire are just as important, which is why inadequate affection is often a deal-breaker.  

6. Humor

Laughter really is the best medicine (unless your affliction is urinary incontinence; then, it might be counterproductive). But if you’re feeling lovesick, there’s no better cure than someone who gets your sense of humor.

This one’s tricky because humor is highly subjective. If it’s important to you, make sure you link up with someone who tells jokes or shares memes that resonate with you.

7. Shared core values and goals

Core values are an enormous part of your identity. Maybe you really care about social justice, or your career always comes first. Most people can’t (and probably shouldn’t) ignore these values for the sake of a relationship. Know yours and find a partner who aligns with them.

8. Future plans

It’s valid to break things off with someone if you don’t see a way to share your future. You’re at a bit of an impasse if one of you wants a ton of kids and the other can’t even imagine raising a pet rock. There’s not much wiggle room for either person to fit into these plans, and that’s OK.

9. Financial goals

Financial goals are similar to future plans, but they’re worth mentioning separately because money is often a contentious topic in romantic relationships. You want someone who aligns with your financial practices, lest you have countless arguments about credit card use or impulse purchases.

10. Empathy and understanding

A good significant other can see things from their partner’s perspective and empathize with their struggles. You can’t expect him to be a mind-reader (refer back to our point about communication), but he shouldn’t need regular reminders that you exist as a separate person.

11. Loyalty

Loyalty is tricky. Much like humor, people have varying definitions of loyalty (and some go over better in a group setting). Even if you practice ethical nonmonogamy, your partner should have your back and stick around when life gets tough.

12. Quality time

Quality time is one of the prominent love languages, but not everyone speaks it; many people prefer to be more independent. People’s preferences can change depending on their partner, but you shouldn’t wait around for your lone wolf to become a snuggle bug if that’s what you prefer.

13. Health and lifestyle habits

Some couch potatoes and fitness freaks are the yin to each other’s yangs. Others get along about as well as frying oil and electrolyte-enhanced water. Ask yourself whether you can be with a partner who doesn’t share your perspective on health, diet, and exercise.

14. Authenticity

We all want to show off our best selves, but a life-long relationship gives you room to get weird. Your partner shouldn’t put up a front around you (or ask you to do the same). That doesn’t necessarily mean you break the fart barrier on the first date, but you want to trust your partner will show up every day as the person you fell in love with.

15. Shared responsibility

Relationships take work — lots of it. A one-sided relationship will quickly become exhausting, so find someone who matches your energy and puts in as much effort as you do.