How to Have a Threesome: A Couple’s Guide in 6 Easy Steps

A threesome is by far one of the most popular sexual fantasies out there. The carnal thirst for something new is intense in the realm of the sexy and sexual. You’re in good company if you and your partner are considering coordinating a tandem wink at a man across the bar to see what transpires.

Sex should never be a zero cum game, but there’s some added complexity once you invite a third into the mix. Who does what to whom? Are you just supposed to sit and watch for a little bit? How do you gently ask this lovely man to get off your hand because he’s crushing your fingers?

We’ll answer all of these questions, plus more general ones like how to ask for a threesome and how to get a threesome in the first place.

What’s a threesome?

Before we discuss how to have a threesome, we should define the phenomenon in the first place.

A threesome is when three people engage in sexual activity together. Yes, it’s really that simple. It's often a fun way to experiment with your sexuality or your relationship.

Notice we said “sexual activity.” Penetration isn’t a must. In fact, there are no hard-and-fast rules about the act. There are a lot of configurations, like MMF (two guys, one girl) or FFM (two girls, one guy), that can alter how everyone approaches the threeway and how it plays out. Personally, we’re partial to MMM because that’s the sound we make when three dudes are getting hot and heavy. 

Couples considering open relationships or polyamory often engage in threesomes to understand how it affects their connection. Those enjoying the single life also jump into bed with others because sometimes, it’s just fun to have more than one person around.

How to achieve the threesome of your (wet) dreams

With the right mixture of confidence and consideration, having a first-time threesome could be easier than you think. Here's how to have a threesome that will bring forth copious amounts of cum — not cringe.

1. Enlist the help of an app

Apps are phenomenal for finding people who want to get with you, but they're almost better for connecting couples with a third. If you and your partner are on the prowl, you can put up pictures of both of you on the app, mention that you're interested in a threesome, and watch your DMs fill up.

Just make it clear you're interested in a threesome from the get-go. There's no point in beating around the bush if you're trying to get people to beat around your bush, you feel? 

Being upfront helps all involved parties know what they're getting themselves into. You don't want to spring a non-monogamous romp on someone who's looking for the love of their life; you’re just going to waste everyone’s time.

2. Ask your hot friend

Threesomes with friends are somewhat of a double-edged sword, and we’re not just referring to the second source of penetration you’re after.

Although it can be comfy cozy to ask your friends to engage in a couple’s coitus with you and your partner, it can also lead to drama if you aren’t careful. Ensure you’re asking the right people. 

Sex can (and often does) change relationship dynamics. So if you aren’t ready to risk that with a particular friend, it’s best not to ask them.

Obviously, context is crucial. We gay folks know the tea: For some, it’s easy to blow your bestie and never think twice about it. But casual sex is not everyone’s bag. Even though threesomes with your friends could be the path of least resistance initially, you might end up getting fucked in more ways than you bargained for.

3. Talk things through first

What’s the goal of your threesome? What does the ideal layout of your experience look like? What wild sexual positions are you dying to try? Consider your boundaries, ideal partners, and what excites you about the act. 

Couples should sit down and discuss each other’s needs openly and honestly. Talk about condom usage, who you have in mind for your third person, and whether or not this constitutes an open relationship. You should probably have this conversation when you aren’t horny, so you have enough blood in your brain to think things through. 

Either way, you should be honest with yourself and your partner about what you want to avoid putting yourself in unclear or uncomfortable situations. You want this experience to be as safe and enjoyable as possible. The only way to ensure that is by facing it head-on and eliminating ambiguity.

4. Set the tone

Congratulations — you've found a plus one! …Now what? 

A successful threesome relies on the cultivation of a sexy vibe. Maybe you start the evening off with drinks and light conversation before moving on to kissing and heavy petting. Or maybe you're more about getting that penetrative congress going right away and taking the fresh meat to pound town. In that case, gather your supplies and get lubed up.

The tone can be whatever you need it to be, but it should make sense for everyone in the threeway. Any sexual activity requires that all participants are on the same page.

So, if the vibe is an erotic romance novel, cascade those petals down the duvet. If the vibe is sharing a sloppy pig bottom, you know what to do next.

5. Practice acceptance

Look, we’re all adults here. And if you’ve had sex before, then you know that it’s a lot of things: fun, hot, exciting, nerve-wracking, messy, confusing, and sometimes downright embarrassing. 

Threeways can amplify both the good and bad things about sex. This means slip-ups, noises, and anything generally perceived as awkward can make you want to hide in a very different hole. 

Take a second to pause and consider that you’re having intercourse — it's not supposed to be perfect; it's supposed to be enjoyable. So let things be what they're gonna be and lean into it.

One quick but important caveat: If you’re feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, remember you have the agency to stop the threeway at any point. There’s a big difference between awkwardly elbowing someone in the eye and having someone spit in your mouth without consent.

6. Talk about it afterward

You did it! Hopefully, it was a good time. A great way to ensure next time is even better? Talking about what you liked.

Too few people debrief with their partners about what they enjoyed during their experience. You can do this with the third person if you’d like, but that depends on the context of your relationship. If you're in a monogamous relationship and toying around with non-monogamy, it might be better to do this with just the two of you.

Don’t be surprised if feelings of jealousy and confusion pop up within you or your partner, especially if it’s your first threesome. It doesn’t matter how good the orgasm is; sometimes, that post-nut clarity brings you back down to planet Earth, where you have to talk about your feelings.

Chatting about sex is a healthy practice for any relationship. But it's particularly vital to discuss post threeway so everyone knows where they stand. Maybe you weren’t fond of all the kissing, or maybe messing around with a stranger wasn’t the sexcapade of your dreams you’d imagined it to be.

It’s okay to fantasize about something and then make tweaks in the cold light of day. Sometimes, the idea of sex with a new person is more enticing than the reality. Take whatever you learn, share it with the pertinent parties, and use it to inform future sexual escapades.