Whorescopes: Capricorn Szn

It’s Capricorn season and we need some pure souls to take us out of a chaotic year!

This month, the sun is staying up a little longer, but our collective patience is coming up short.

Love:  The only dates you’re familiar with are covered in bacon and served at holiday parties. It’s time to put yourself back out there so someone can blow your back out here!

Lust: You’re lusting for everything as you make your way down the yellow brick road. Otters and twinks and bears! Oh MY!

Friendships: New year, new friends. It’s time to open up that Google Cal and make room for some new cuties in your squad. Now is not the time to downsize.

Work: You wanna survive inflation? You wanna pay rent? You wanna survive the crushing weight of student loan debt while wages remain stagnant? You better work, b*tch!

Love: We’ve seen more COVID variants than you have dating prospects in the past year. There’s nothing noble about quarantining your heart!

Lust: You’re feeling a little adventurous this month! Set up a group situation. Fellowship of the cockring, anyone?

Friendships: I know you don’t wanna go to that group dinner, but you’ll need a better excuse than telling your friends you’re on Staten Island with Pete Davidson.

Work: Returning to work from home may be the last thing you were expecting, but at least you can wear sweatpants (or not!) during zoom meetings.

Love: Rush is a brand of poppers, not advice for getting into a relationship. You don’t even know the names of his siblings and you’re already picking out nursery colors. Relax, queen!

Lust: You is kind. You is smart. You is vers/bottom.  

Friendships: You’re feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything right now. It’s okay to skip that “Drag Race” viewing party, there’ll be 986 more this year.

Work: It’s the beginning of a new year and it’s the best time to be the office gay. Let them know your New Year’s resolution is to be later than ever and still walk in with iced coffee!

Love: They say you should never judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a man by how quickly he texts back! DROP HIM.

Lust: I know you think he’s too big for you to handle, but remember God gives his toughest battles to his strongest bottoms.

Friendships: You’ve been a little more paranoid than usual. Not everyone is out to get you, queen, just everyone you love.

Work: All work and no play makes you dull. Good thing you’ve been slacking then. Pick up the pace—those bills won’t pay themselves!

Love: Are you the Biden agenda? Cause your love life has been stalled by one man all your friends hate and you can’t seem to shake. Let him go, sis.

Lust: You may be doing dry January, but that doesn’t mean you can't get your d*ck wet. Text him and tell him to bring a friend.

Friendships: After a stressful holiday season, take yourself to see “House of Gucci.” Maybe seeing another house in disarray will help you get yours in order.

Work: Your stubbornness and determination will win out. That job you’ve been looking for is right around the corner. Put your Twitter on private, queen! You don’t wanna have to defend those tweets about “bussy” in front of a Boomer!

Love: If a straight man can make it on to “Drag Race,” you can make it to date three. Good luck and don’t f*ck it up.

Lust: And just like that…you’re on your back.

Friendships: You may be feeling a little gloomy and gray, but nothing can cheer you up like your Golden Girls. Thank them for being friends.

Work: Work has been a drag this season, but every hour you spend focusing on your job is one hour you're not spiraling about that text back you’re waiting for.

Love: Student loans may be on pause, but your love life doesn’t have to be. Find you a man to obsess over who doesn’t even have your number saved in his phone.

Lust: It’s a New Year and your phone needs your new nudes!!! The ones that had that early 2020 optimism just aren’t hitting like they used to.

Friendships: You’ve been really relying on the graciousness of friends recently. Pay them back orally. I mean feed them. FOOD.

Work: You’ve been more vers than normal lately, but in the workplace you always find yourself on top. Ask for the raise if you’re gonna keep raising the bar!

Love: In the words of Britney Spears, you love to have all eyes on you in the center of the ring just like a circus. But keep up the attitude and you’ll be performing for a crowd of one.

Lust: You don’t need a horoscope to predict you’re gonna have good sex. You need an award for being so good at it.

Friendships: You say you’re on your way when you’re just getting in the shower. Maybe easy up on the judgment.

Work: Your main character syndrome is fun on social media, but not so much in the boardroom.

Love:  You’ve got your eyes on someone, but it’s like “Survivor” out here for you. You need to OutFlirt. OutTwink. OutLast.

Lust: No one lays it down for you better than a man with a chip on his shoulder and a strong lower back. Yeah.

Friendships: You’ve been overworked and underpaid. It’s time to escape the winter weather with a bestie.

Work: Salt is for margaritas not Slack. Lay off your coworkers a bit. It’s January, we’re all struggling!

Love: You may not be able to make him love you, but you can make him jealous. Drop that thirst trap on the grid AND share it to your story.

Lust: Your nickname this month is eclair. You’re sweet, popular, and have a hole filled with cream.

Friendship: Yeah they may be gays, but your besties are gonna tell it to you straight. Just cause you don’t wanna hear it, doesn’t mean they’re wrong.

Work: Inflation is real and so is your love for nice things. Go ahead, start that OnlyFans! The people deserve hole pics!

Love:  Your love life is giving Tupperware drawer. A lot of bottoms and no tops that fit. Open that Explore tab and check out the men in a new neighborhood.

Lust: You can show your bare ass on Grindr and you’re on Instagram looking at reels?

Friendships: You can’t fix him, but your friends can help you forget about him. There’s nothing a bottomless drag brunch and dancefloor twirl can’t fix. Make the reservation NOW!

Work: If you respond to another work email after 7pm…we’re over.

Love: You’d be a little less lonely if you stopped falling for men who live 2000 miles away. A text message can’t eat your ass!

Lust: You’ve found yourself attracted to some new types over the past few weeks. You’re a collector of fine goods. No Pokemon, but you gotta catch ‘em all.

Friendships: This year we’re turning up the heat and getting steamy. Grab your horniest friend and find out if steam really WORKS.

Work: It’s expensive to be you! And while you don’t need to scam any plane crash victims, Erika Jayne, you do need to ask for that RAISE!