What Is Shibari? The Grindr Guide to Getting Knotted Up

Ever wanted to be held back … in a hot way? If so, you’re among many freaky-deaky friends here. In fact, physical restraint ranks among the most popular sexual fantasies, both in the general populace and also from an unofficial poll taken with ourselves in the mirror.

If you’re feeling like you need something to shake things up in your sex life, consider shibari. It’s an option for couples seeking some additional spice in their sexual repertoire — or singular kinksters interested in tying a very different kind of knot.

No matter who you are, this Japanese bondage practice is sure to benefit your sex life. Let’s talk about how to pop your cherry blossom and fulfill your BDSM fantasies of being all tied up.

What is shibari?

Shibari, also called Japanese rope bondage or kinbaku, has been a staple in BDSM and kink communities for decades. Its history is long and storied, from its origins as a form of military torture and restraint to a modern meditative experience. It’s more than just erotic; it’s also a way for sexual partners to build trust in their relationship.

The BDSM practice actually goes as far back as the 1800s, when Japanese kinksters adapted traditional binding techniques used by military and law enforcement. The painful ties were adapted into more tolerable (even pleasurable) forms. Still, many patterns aren’t exactly comfy. Today, shibari is a globally renowned kink and sex practice, and Western physical restraint enthusiasts embrace it with open hearts and wrapped wrists.

Some narratives online tout shibari as a spiritualistic practice that people enjoy in Japan as an almost sacred bondage art. Although there’s certainly an argument to be made for the freeing and enlightening aspects of kink, that’s in no way exclusive to shibari. Instead, shibari is simply an expression of a collective desire that borrows from longstanding cultural aesthetics, much like Western cultures using equestrian-inspired gear, stocks, and handcuffs.

Why do people like shibari?

Shibari holds broad appeal for many reasons. Here are several sources of pleasure that stem from Japanese bondage:

Playing with power

Something about shibari taps into the human desire to play with power dynamics. A lot of kink stems from the sexual fantasies relating to being captured and tied up. That vulnerability can be very sexy for some, as can giving up control to another.

People with high-stress lives might find it freeing for themselves to surrender physically and emotionally. At the same time, others delight in seeing their partner enjoy that experience or want to safely and responsibly express their own sexual dominance. Whichever camp you land in, it makes sense to want to break out those old Boy Scout knots and see if you can do any of them around your junk. (Please don’t.)

Flexible and freeing

Shibari also has a hold on the kink community because it’s easy to make minor adjustments to the experience to fit one’s current mood or desires. You can alter the intensity of your shibari patterns based on what feels comfortable that day, making it a more inclusive BDSM option for all body types and physical conditions. You don’t need to be too flexible to enjoy shibari, either; you can wrap it in a way that’s right for you.

For the person tying the ropes, it’s often a way to play with your partner’s sensations. You can take a more playful approach one day and go full sensual the next. It can also help improve communication between you and your partner. There’s nothing more gratifying than understanding your partner’s deepest desires, and shibari practically requires that you have these discussions openly and learn to read each other’s bodies.

The captivating aesthetics of captivity

Did we mention that it looks hot? Even in its martial arts application, Japanese rope bondage has always considered the beauty and artistry of the knots. Today, many patterns are designed to complement and accentuate the submissive partner’s most appealing features.

Shibari fundamentals

Shibari isn’t like sexting or picking up your run-of-the-mill sex toy; there’s a lot of learning to be done before you get your hands anywhere near your first shibari rope. Here are the basics of the practice:

Know your role

Safety should always be your priority, meaning a profound understanding of your role and expectations should never leave your mind.

There are two roles in shibari. You’re either the person casting the ropes or the person receiving them. The draw of the Dominant/submissive power dynamic is obvious. However, you can be the person receiving and still be the one calling the shots. Remember, we’re breaking down barriers and thinking outside the knots!

And it gets better; no one says you need a partner to jump into shibari. Solo pleasures are valid and exciting in kink and should absolutely be explored. That said, practice carefully and keep some scissors on hand. It’s not as easy to unwind your wrap when it’s just you.

Care and consent

Like any other kink practice, no one’s starting anything until consent has been clearly communicated. Before engaging in shibari, hold a pre-play conversation to discuss what each party wants and doesn’t want. A BDSM checklist can make things especially clear.

This is also the ideal time to discuss aftercare, a vital part of coming back down to earth, figuratively and potentially literally, depending on how much your partner resembles a human chandelier during the scene.

Safe words are also a must for kink, but we recommend adding in some safe signals as well. Communicating what is and isn’t working with just one word can be challenging. Signals add some nuance to your hot knot moments.

A good example would be using the colors of a traffic light; you can say “green” to indicate your partner’s all clear to keep going, “yellow” to caution them that you’re reaching your limit, and “red” as a hard slam on the brakes to whatever’s going on.

Practice makes perfect

You might not be a master of shibari knots right away, and that’s OK. A crucial part of your growth in shibari comes from fumbling your way through the practice and brushing it off.

If basic knots and positions do it for you, don’t push yourself. You can leave the complex and well-studied parts of the practice on the cutting room floor and just do what feels right, provided parties are safe and enjoying themselves. There’s nothing sexy about feeling intimidated by a kink practice, so your focus should always ultimately be on whether or not things are getting better down where it’s wetter.

The ultimate shibari glossary

Shibari comes with its own terminology. You’ll see many of these terms when researching how shibari works or shopping for accouterments for your boudoir:

Self-tie

You’ll never guess what this means. That’s right, it’s when you tie yourself up with shibari ropes instead of having someone else do it.

Suspension

Suspension is any shibari act that involves lifting and hanging a person’s body with only ropes. These positions can be dangerous, so conduct extensive research before you try them. You don’t have to be suspended to partake in shibari, but it’s certainly tempting. It could be neat if you’ve ever wanted to know what levitating felt like.

Floor play

Floor tie is essentially the opposite of suspension. It refers to rope work done exclusively on the floor. It’s also an unintentional pun on foreplay, which is way more fun with bondage involved. Look, Ma — no hands!

Top/bottom

Despite the fact you’re currently on Grindr, maybe you don’t know what either of these terms mean. However, we’ll be more realistic and suggest that you don’t know what they mean regarding shibari; tops tie, bottoms get tied. You might also see the top referred to as the “rigger.”

These roles don’t necessarily map one-to-one onto “Dominant” and “submissive.” And yes, you can absolutely be a rope vers, typically called a “rope switch.”

Lab time

Much like the mad scientists who cook up novelty chip flavors, any creative shibari practitioner will spend a reasonable amount of time practicing and testing things out. This is typically when you focus on shibari ties and techniques beyond your skill level before you start wrapping a rope around another person.

Scene time

And action! It’s time for your close-up! As you probably surmised, scene time is the fruit of your labor during lab time. This is when you perform shibari with a partner, whether tying or getting tied.

How to start your shibari journey

Ready to hang with the best of the best? You’ll want to start with the proper equipment and know-how.

Rope

Purpose-made ropes are crucial; you want them to be secure and relatively comfortable (at least at first; you can always graduate to ones that more accurately match your freak). Cotton ropes are a perfect pick for newcomers to shibari because they’re softer on the skin. You can always supersize your shibari experience by upgrading to hemp or jute when you’ve got a few scenes under your bondage belt.

You might also want to start with shorter ropes. Otherwise, the caster will end up tying themself in knots, all while the receiver is lying there going over tomorrow’s grocery list in their head.

Scissors

Rope won’t be the only thing you want in your shibari arsenal. As previously mentioned, safety scissors are an excellent asset when things get too tangled. As a newbie, you can’t know how either party will handle the experience, so it’s imperative to have an “in case of emergency, break glass” tool for fast relief, especially since improper knots can restrict blood flow and cause nerve damage.

Basic positions

Finally, let’s tighten up your shibari game with some easy-to-implement patterns. First, try contorting your partner or yourself into their favorite sex position and tying them in place. You already know this position is a turn-on, so it’s more likely to result in an enjoyable and relaxing experience.

Another idea is to wrap the recipient’s left wrist to their right thigh and their right wrist to their left thigh so they make an X with their arms. It doesn’t require much flexibility, making it a comfy place to start.

Don’t be afraid to experiment. But also remember you don’t have to wrap your partner in a shibari cocoon and hang them from your garage the first time you get a hold of a rope.