DTR Meaning: Make Your Explicit Affair a Bit More Explicit

So, you’ve been seeing someone for a while. You’ve kissed, you’ve fucked, you’ve held hands in public. Maybe you’ve even (*gasp*) met some friends and family.

Good for you, girl; you’re doing it! You’re working your way into a relationship. We always believed in you. 

But now, every time you look into his eyes, you feel it bubbling inside you. No, not gas. That one big question everyone’s always too afraid to ask: “What are we?” You want to ask, but you’re nervous, and we totally get it.

Fear not, bashful bears and fearful femmes; we’re here to guide you through it, and we’ve even got a cute little acronym for the whole thing. Grab our hand, and we’ll go slow as we teach you how to DTR. 

What is DTR?

So, what is DTR, exactly? Drama team rehearsal? Douche that rear? Not quite.

DTR stands for “define the relationship,” and it’s when — you guessed it — you and your partner (or partners) establish the nature of your connection.

Usually, this happens via a conversation (or two) when everyone involved feels safe, comfortable, and open to discussion. Maybe it’s after a strong drink (or a warm cup of tea, if that’s your preferred kind of liquid courage) or some really good sex — whatever puts you and your person in the mood for some truth and vulnerability. 

Remember, the end goal of this conversation isn’t for either party to talk the other into something they aren’t ready for. You’re trying to clarify where everyone is at and where they think they’re going. It’s not a failure if you walk away as something other than boyfriend and boyfriend (or boyfriend and girlfriend, or boyfriend and boyfriend and girlfriend, or… you get it). It’s only a failure if there are still misunderstandings at the end of the conversation. 

When to DTR

The best time to DTR is, honestly, whenever you feel ready. (Although truth be told, you may never feel totally “ready.”)

Of course, two weeks in might be a little early to have the “what are we?” conversation, but every relationship is unique and moves at a different pace. Some people can take years to reach a level of intimacy others get in a month or so.

If you need clarity in a relationship, don’t hesitate to ask for it. Just be prepared if the other person isn’t able to give it to you. But if you’re looking for a monogamous relationship and they’re happy to be marooned on Situationship Island, it’s better to know that sooner rather than later.

How to have the DTR talk

So, once you feel ready to have the conversation, you just hop on FaceTime and ask them, right? No!

Well, you could, but you might be setting yourself up for a romantic disaster. These conversations don’t need to be big and scary, but you should handle them with care and consideration. 

Listen, if Carly Rae Jepsen has taught us anything, it’s that emotions (Side B) are complex, nuanced, and, when handled correctly, usually involve a saxophone. If you’re struggling to channel your inner Kenny G for your DTR talk, don’t worry. We’ve outlined a few tips to get you jazzed about defining the relationship: 

Know what you want going in

Asking your partner what he wants out of the relationship without knowing yourself isn’t just annoying; it’s inconsiderate and unfair. If you expect them to have an answer, you better have one for them, too. Better yet, your answer should be honest, straightforward, and judgment-free. 

Be open and honest

OK, so we just covered the honesty thing, but it’s worth repeating. Don’t just tell the other person what you think they want to hear; that isn’t helpful for anyone.

Also, prepare yourself to listen to what they say — even if it isn’t what you want to hear. Be open to their perspective, and don’t assume that if you aren’t immediately in sync, the relationship is doomed to fail.  

Do it somewhere nice 

We aren’t saying you need to do it at a spa or a five-star resort (although that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world). Do it somewhere both of you feel comfortable being vulnerable with each other.

If that’s a noisy bar, great. But chances are the conversation will be easier to hear (physically and emotionally) if you do it in your living room or a local park. 

What to discuss in a DTR conversation 

You’ve picked the place, steeled yourself, and figured out what you want. Now, all that’s left is to actually do the damn thing. Here are some topics you should consider covering in your DTR conversation:

• Exclusivity: This is a big one. For many people, this is what it’s all about. Monogamous, monogamish, open — it’s all on the table. Consider starting by stating what you want: “So, I’d like to be…”
• Expectations: A committed relationship means different things to different people. For some, it means total emotional support and a mutual life plan. For others, it just means besties who boink on the regular. The only way to know is to ask and be clear about your desires. 
• Direction and timing: Some people hear “exclusive” and immediately jump to meeting the parents or moving in together. Some people hear “exclusive” and think, “OK, now we have time to see where this goes.” Defining the relationship is also the time to discuss where you both see the relationship going (and when).

So, you had the DTR talk... Now what?

Once you’ve had a successful DTR conversation, there are really only two possible outcomes. One: You’re on the same page. You both totally agree on what you are and where you’re going. Two: You’re on different pages and don’t see eye to eye about your relationship. Either way, here’s what you can do moving forward:

You’re on the same page

Congrats! Good for you. Keep doing what you’re doing or start moving toward your shared relationship goals.

But don’t forget to check in every now and then. Relationships evolve over weeks, months, and years. Your needs, expectations, and desires evolve right alongside them. You don’t need to DTR every other week, but you should always keep the channels of communication open. 

You aren’t on the same page

Congrats! Good for you. Seriously — you just did a very difficult thing, and that’s always worth celebrating. Now, you’ve got a few options ahead of you. You and your partner should determine whether:

1. You’re OK with not being on the same page for a while.
2. There’s a world where you will both be on the same page.
3. It’s time to break up.

Obviously, 1 and 2 are the preferable options, but 3 isn’t bad either. If your relationship can’t meet your needs, you’re better off being single.